Saturday, December 27, 2008

mienai chikara by B'z

English translation follows:

Yume nara aru hazuda, anata ni mo boku ni mo
Mitsukuari nikui dake de, isogashisugite

Mienai chikara ga, boku wo ima ugokashite iru
Sono kini nareba iyo, mirai wa sonna ni wa kurakunai
"We'll be alright, good luck my friends"
Ai suru tomono kotoba wo, boku wa wasurenai

Iitai dono kotoba datte honto ni iita katta no wa
Ikura shita uchishite mo, modoranai hibi yo

Yuruginai chikara ga anata ni sasayaite iru
"It's ok baby" kowakunai yo, dareka wo aishite ikiru koto
Naze ni kimochi wa zutto ato ni naranakerya tsutawaranai

Mienai chikara de, dare mo ga tsuyoku tsunagatteiru
Nani mo taishita koto janai yo sobani ite mo hanareteite mo
Kinou kyou ashita to egao no anata wa itsu demo kono mune ni iru yo

Mienai chikara yo, kagayake
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die

Yuruginai chikara yo, boku o mitase
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die

Mienai chikara yo, kagayake
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die


Everyone should have dreams, even you and I
But it's been difficult to pursue because we are too busy

The invisible power is moving me now
If I feel it, then somehow the future won't be as dark
"We'll be alright, good luck, my friends"
I shall never forget the words said by my beloved friend

Actually what kind of words that we wanted to say?
As much as I regret it, those days will never return

Unchanging power is whispering to you
It's ok baby, don't be afraid about going on living while loving somebody
Why always until long time later that it finally reached my heart

Everyone is connected by invisible power
It's not important whether you're by my side, or we're apart
Yesterday, today and tomorrow, in this heart of mine is always your smile

Invisible power, shine on
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die

Unchanging power, fill me up
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die

Invisible power, shine on
You've got to be strong, it's never too late, I never say die

Friday, December 26, 2008

A Place called Home

I was sitting here pondering why I never decorate the places that I live in. I never even put photos of the kids and I up on the walls. I usually just make it functional.
So here I was thinking about it and I figured out that I've never lived in a place longer than 2 years and they were rentals. Places you can't really do anything with.
So here I am, in my own home and I haven't done anything. I still feel as if it isn't mine. Still feel as if I don't belong. As I look around me, I have half finished projects that I have decided to finish. How long will I be in this house? I'm not sure with the way things are going.

Why do we let psychological crap to cloud our judgments and make a mess out of things. Like me never having a permanent home even when I was growing up. Always moving. So most of the time, I don't even bother unpacking certain things at times. I just put boxes in a closet so I wont' have to pack them later.
My soon to be ex and his complex that everyone will leave him eventually and if they don't he does things to make them leave so he is free of blame. In his mind, they are the ones leaving so it is their fault. He can justify it in his mind even though he is the one who does all the things to make the person leave. He's done it with me and two others. Too bad I didn't figure it out before.

My mom is another person. I am not sure what happened early on in her life. Maybe it was my father that caused the problem. But once you start to get close to her, she does things to push you away. She did this with some of her friends and my brother and I. She did this throughout my life. I would stay away and let things cool off and then I'd start over again. We were in the process of starting over when she died. She had started a fight with me about 8 months before and told me that I didn't have to bring the kids around. At this point I was bringing Dusty over to see her about once a week and they would do things together and when I picked him up, we would go to the park by her house to play and feed the ducks. She had said some pretty hurtful things and it had made me upset. So I didn't bring them around. She called a couple of months later, but I was still upset over what she had said.
Then I decided I'd better make things right so I called and we talked. She invited me and the boys to dinner. That was a Friday. I remember I was texting a friend telling them that I was at my mom's for dinner. We had a good time. I told her about my marriage falling apart and she was upset that I hadn't told her sooner. She thought that I had told all of my friends. But that wasn't the case.
Anyway, I was going to spend time with her when she had a day off. I never got the chance. Nine days later she had died.

So why do we let all this psychological crap interfere with our lives?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Friendship

I have this friend who has been my rock through all of this. I treasure this friendship. I would be lost without it. This friend has been my sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to. All the while not asking anything back.
How do you let someone know how much they mean to you? You can say it a thousand different ways, show it a thousand different ways and still wonder if they actually know their worth to you. I am so thankful for this friend.
Thank you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Sometimes...

I can't remember what makes me happy. Internal force not external. I mean my boys, watching them, loving them, of course, makes me happy. Watching the dogs play. Being with my friend who makes me smile and laugh, who makes me want so much more in life.
I used to be a happy person who was always smiling, helping others, who found joy from within. I know I will again some day. I know it takes time. I hate being like this though.
I still have trouble remembering things. My mind is constantly wandering. Feel like I want to cry at the drop of a hat, but can't because I don't want my children to see me do so.
Too much all at once.
I just have to remember.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Tired

You know that bone jarring tired where you want to go to sleep and just sleep for a few weeks...months...years.
I know I should get out of this, but at the moment I don't want to. I'm so tired of being strong. I'm tired of looking like I am happy. I am tired of making every one think that I am FINE. Do you know what FINE stands for?
Freaking
Irrational
Neurotic
Emotional

That is me.
I'm tired.

I know I am not the only one to be going through a lot of stuff. But I bet if the person who had it worse than me kept a blog, it would sound quite a bit like this one.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I read about happily ever afters and see happy couples and families, I can't help but wonder why couldn't I have that. What makes me so different that I can't have a happily ever after. I know it isn't me really. Circumstances and all that. It doesn't make it any easier. I am not so sad in losing my partner. Its more sad losing out on my dreams of having someone to grow old with. Having someone that I could have trusted completely. Although he broke my trust a long time ago. I was still trying to work it out. Year after year of disappointment in not having the family that I wanted. Trying to make something out of a farce of a marriage.

I still believe in marriage and family. I am not a hopeless romantic, so I no longer believe in happily ever afters. I don't know if I believe in finding "the man of my dreams". Actually I should say I don't know if I will ever have "the man of my dreams". I know he exists, he's just busy at the moment. I think that would be his excuse.

Ha! Here I am not even divorced yet and talking about finding someone else. Practicality, reality, optimistic...hopeless romantic. I don't want to be a romantic. I don't want to hope.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

So what do you do?

What do you do when you learn that your world has been torn apart? I think about the baby I lost. I know I have 3 perfectly wonderful children as I have been told and not to dwell on the one that I lost. But it still hurts. It still bothers me. I still think about her...I know it was a girl. Her name was to be Kaguya Tsuki. Kaguya is from the story Kaguya Hime. It is one of my favourites. Tsuki means moon. I didn't think I wanted a girl. I was always afraid she would be one of those girls that wouldn't want to get dirty, didn't like bugs, would want to wear dresses everywhere, etc. I don't think I would know what to do. But I would have loved her anyway.

I thought I would be able to try again. I'm 38, by the time I would be able to find someone to share my life with and try to have another child, I think I will be to old.



I think about my mother, a lot. I think of all the things that I should have said. The things I should have done. But I know that I cannot go back and change things. So I try not to dwell on it. Its hard though, when I have to go through some of her things, those feelings creep back in.
I have this wonderful friend. I don't know what I would do without that friendship. I think I would be lost beyond belief.

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I don't believe that God sees everything and this is what he planned.
So what do I do?
I can get depressed, which I have. Not a fun place to be. I know it will be an uphill battle to beat that all the time.
or...
I can try to see my life as I want it in the future. I know what I want. I don't know if I will get what I want, but right now it is the hope that I have.
I have my health to think about. I get depressed and if I let the stress get to me, I don't do so well. I still have to be there for my boys. They were affected by my mother dying and Sean breaking up the marriage. They don't know about the sister they lost. I'm not sure I will tell them, but I think they will find out at some point. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.