Waiting

I have a hard time waiting/relying on people it seems. If I need to be somewhere, I have a hard time waiting for people who say they will come with me. If someone says they will do something for me, I have a hard time relying on them. Maybe its the trust thing, I don't know.
Someone told me today they would do something for me. I really needed it done, but they put it off. It didn't get done tonight. It makes me upset, but I shouldn't be upset. It is my fault for relying on them to get it done. I should have had an alternate plan. Maybe I am more upset with myself.
If I don't rely on anyone, then I don't get disappointed or hurt. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. Even in a relationship, I try not to rely on the other person. One, I don't want to be a burden and Two, I don't want to be disappointed. If one has no expectations there is no disappointment. But ultimately there usually is. I don't know why that is. I mean there are certain expectations in a relationship. Like treat each other with kindness, pay attention to one another, be faithful, etc. So where does the disappointment come in? I think it is a break down of communication. One does not express their needs or one does not see/hear/feel what the other is saying in said expressed needs. Or maybe there is a conflict in those needs. And how much does one give while the other takes without giving back before the disappointment sets in? While there may be more happiness in giving than receiving, it is nice to be on the receiving end once in a while.
Or maybe while on gives in the only way they know how but the partner does not see it as giving, then what?

I am afraid to ask for help. I think it is so because then I have to rely on someone else. What if I am a disappointment to that person because I have to ask for help? or what if I am disappointed? I don't know if the risk is worth it at times so I keep quiet.
If I fail, it is on me. I have no one else to blame.

Circles

I feel like I am going in circles with my situation. I'm getting angry and depressed. One would think that it would be easy to get a good paying job. But being self employed for so long and not working for someone has taken its toll, I guess. I wonder if I should have put career first and family second. Maybe I would be in a better position right not. But I hate leaving my boys. I hated it long ago when I was single and had to work 60 to 70 hours away from a newborn and an eight year old child. I don't want to have to be away for that long again. I know I just need to do it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry. Maybe I'm just lazy. Other people do it, right? Spend countless hours away from their children and let someone else raise them.
Living in my van at some beach with my boys and the dogs doesn't seem like such a bad idea when I think of it. Jewel did it and look at her, she ended up being famous. She's even married to someone I know now.

Just a thought.

So the dilemma: Work 60 to 70 hours away from my children, stick them in day care and only see them when they are asleep, become homeless and live on the beach in California, or stay with my boys and just live any way we can?
All options are depressing.

Tendencies

I have a tendency to internalize my feelings. I've never had anyone to share them with before. I don't know how to open up really. Guess I take after my mom in that regards. Its always easy to share happiness, because everyone likes a happy person. Its harder to share sorrow because no one really likes being around a sad person. I think since I tend to project my feelings, I stay away from people when I am sad or angry.
If I get to a point where I can't pretend that everything is alright, I hide away. I guess its because I've never had anyone to help me through my sorrows.
I know...sob story right? Poor me...
Guess that's why I don't share. I end up thinking its just a pity party for one.

Wondering...

I wonder what it is going to be like on my own again. I remember what it was like when Cody was little. Yes it was great to be out of the situation, but working two jobs with only fours sleep a night plus going to college with a full load. It was not fun and not easy. At least now I wont be in school. But I wonder if I will have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I don't really want to leave my home, but affording it on my own is going to be a monumental task.
I do cringe at the thought of being alone. I didn't think it would be this way.
I still want to keep the boys at home rather than send them to school or daycare. It will be easy with Dusty, not so much with Rhett. I guess I will keep them at home for as long as possible.

I could just say "I'm sorry." and ask him to take me back. Yeah, right. Say I'm sorry like it was my fault that he called it quits twice. Like it was my fault that he cannot emotionally involve himself in this family...like it was my fault that he wanted a child that he doesn't want to care for...like it was my fault that he put some other woman before me...like it was my fault that he took another woman to an adult store to buy me a "gift"...like it was my fault that he stays out and drinks almost every night...like it is my fault that he stays up in his room every weekend in his bathrobe watching movies and t.v. shows that he downloads...like it is my fault that he would let my children go hungry while I was working my butt off while he stayed home with the children...like it is my fault that he is emotionally unstable but wont get any help.
So...do I say Sorry and stay just so I wont be alone and still be able to dedicate my time to my children?