Wondering...

I wonder what it is going to be like on my own again. I remember what it was like when Cody was little. Yes it was great to be out of the situation, but working two jobs with only fours sleep a night plus going to college with a full load. It was not fun and not easy. At least now I wont be in school. But I wonder if I will have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I don't really want to leave my home, but affording it on my own is going to be a monumental task.
I do cringe at the thought of being alone. I didn't think it would be this way.
I still want to keep the boys at home rather than send them to school or daycare. It will be easy with Dusty, not so much with Rhett. I guess I will keep them at home for as long as possible.

I could just say "I'm sorry." and ask him to take me back. Yeah, right. Say I'm sorry like it was my fault that he called it quits twice. Like it was my fault that he cannot emotionally involve himself in this family...like it was my fault that he wanted a child that he doesn't want to care for...like it was my fault that he put some other woman before me...like it was my fault that he took another woman to an adult store to buy me a "gift"...like it was my fault that he stays out and drinks almost every night...like it is my fault that he stays up in his room every weekend in his bathrobe watching movies and t.v. shows that he downloads...like it is my fault that he would let my children go hungry while I was working my butt off while he stayed home with the children...like it is my fault that he is emotionally unstable but wont get any help.
So...do I say Sorry and stay just so I wont be alone and still be able to dedicate my time to my children?