Waiting

I have a hard time waiting/relying on people it seems. If I need to be somewhere, I have a hard time waiting for people who say they will come with me. If someone says they will do something for me, I have a hard time relying on them. Maybe its the trust thing, I don't know.
Someone told me today they would do something for me. I really needed it done, but they put it off. It didn't get done tonight. It makes me upset, but I shouldn't be upset. It is my fault for relying on them to get it done. I should have had an alternate plan. Maybe I am more upset with myself.
If I don't rely on anyone, then I don't get disappointed or hurt. Maybe that is what is wrong with me. Even in a relationship, I try not to rely on the other person. One, I don't want to be a burden and Two, I don't want to be disappointed. If one has no expectations there is no disappointment. But ultimately there usually is. I don't know why that is. I mean there are certain expectations in a relationship. Like treat each other with kindness, pay attention to one another, be faithful, etc. So where does the disappointment come in? I think it is a break down of communication. One does not express their needs or one does not see/hear/feel what the other is saying in said expressed needs. Or maybe there is a conflict in those needs. And how much does one give while the other takes without giving back before the disappointment sets in? While there may be more happiness in giving than receiving, it is nice to be on the receiving end once in a while.
Or maybe while on gives in the only way they know how but the partner does not see it as giving, then what?

I am afraid to ask for help. I think it is so because then I have to rely on someone else. What if I am a disappointment to that person because I have to ask for help? or what if I am disappointed? I don't know if the risk is worth it at times so I keep quiet.
If I fail, it is on me. I have no one else to blame.

Circles

I feel like I am going in circles with my situation. I'm getting angry and depressed. One would think that it would be easy to get a good paying job. But being self employed for so long and not working for someone has taken its toll, I guess. I wonder if I should have put career first and family second. Maybe I would be in a better position right not. But I hate leaving my boys. I hated it long ago when I was single and had to work 60 to 70 hours away from a newborn and an eight year old child. I don't want to have to be away for that long again. I know I just need to do it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry. Maybe I'm just lazy. Other people do it, right? Spend countless hours away from their children and let someone else raise them.
Living in my van at some beach with my boys and the dogs doesn't seem like such a bad idea when I think of it. Jewel did it and look at her, she ended up being famous. She's even married to someone I know now.

Just a thought.

So the dilemma: Work 60 to 70 hours away from my children, stick them in day care and only see them when they are asleep, become homeless and live on the beach in California, or stay with my boys and just live any way we can?
All options are depressing.

Tendencies

I have a tendency to internalize my feelings. I've never had anyone to share them with before. I don't know how to open up really. Guess I take after my mom in that regards. Its always easy to share happiness, because everyone likes a happy person. Its harder to share sorrow because no one really likes being around a sad person. I think since I tend to project my feelings, I stay away from people when I am sad or angry.
If I get to a point where I can't pretend that everything is alright, I hide away. I guess its because I've never had anyone to help me through my sorrows.
I know...sob story right? Poor me...
Guess that's why I don't share. I end up thinking its just a pity party for one.

Wondering...

I wonder what it is going to be like on my own again. I remember what it was like when Cody was little. Yes it was great to be out of the situation, but working two jobs with only fours sleep a night plus going to college with a full load. It was not fun and not easy. At least now I wont be in school. But I wonder if I will have to work two jobs just to make ends meet. I don't really want to leave my home, but affording it on my own is going to be a monumental task.
I do cringe at the thought of being alone. I didn't think it would be this way.
I still want to keep the boys at home rather than send them to school or daycare. It will be easy with Dusty, not so much with Rhett. I guess I will keep them at home for as long as possible.

I could just say "I'm sorry." and ask him to take me back. Yeah, right. Say I'm sorry like it was my fault that he called it quits twice. Like it was my fault that he cannot emotionally involve himself in this family...like it was my fault that he wanted a child that he doesn't want to care for...like it was my fault that he put some other woman before me...like it was my fault that he took another woman to an adult store to buy me a "gift"...like it was my fault that he stays out and drinks almost every night...like it is my fault that he stays up in his room every weekend in his bathrobe watching movies and t.v. shows that he downloads...like it is my fault that he would let my children go hungry while I was working my butt off while he stayed home with the children...like it is my fault that he is emotionally unstable but wont get any help.
So...do I say Sorry and stay just so I wont be alone and still be able to dedicate my time to my children?

New Year's Eve

So here I am sitting sitting at my computer at 11:29 p.m. on New Year's Eve. I was chatting with a friend on gchat. That was fun. I enjoyed it immensely. So why don't I have a date for tonight? I have no idea. Didn't look for one, didn't really want one. It wouldn't feel right to me.
Although I did want to go out, my Zune crashed...like several thousands of them around the world today. I can't go into crowded places without it.

So, New Year's Resolutions. Do you believe in them? Do you ever follow through? I never made them. I set short term and long term goals for myself, but they never have anything to do with the new year.
So...what would I resolve to do for the new year?
Love more
Live more
Spend more time with my boys
Quit putting things off because you never know when you will ever get the chance to do it again.
Tim McGraw's song Live Like You Were Dying comes to mind.
Learn more and put it to use

Maybe something along those lines. Not goals for the year...goals for a lifetime.

Yeah, I'm not into resolutions like I will lose weight this year. That will be an on goal til I get down to my desired weight. Not something I need to make a resolution over.
Oh, maybe write a book this year.

Well anyway. I am sitting here trying to watch bits and pieces of Kōhaku Uta Gassen which is a Japanese New Year's Special. I used to watch it every year til we got rid of Dish Network. It's kind of like the New Year's specials here with music and skits and stuff. But each participant has to be specially invited to the show. Some wait a very long time to receive an invite. I'm hoping that by tomorrow they will have the entire show up on youtube. So far the tribute to Hayao Miyazaki is the coolest. Gotta love the king of anime.
Another video I like is Jero. He did a tribute to his grandmother. His mother was in the audience with tears in her eyes. He stated in an interview that receiving an invititation would be the highest honour. He is an enka singer which is traditional Japanese folk singing. Most people don't really like enka. It is an acquired taste I guess.

So it is well into the new year. I have not heard from my brother although I sent him a text at 12:30 my time. 11:30 his. He must be drunk by now. I hope he is having fun.
I am off to bed. I will probably be up around 7 or so. I'm hoping my Zune is up and running by then. Microsoft is going to have a lot of angrier people on their hands if the 30 gig Zunes don't reset themselves by 12 noon GMT. I say angrier, because there are already a lot of angry people that had to go without their music for the day.

Good night.
Sending good and loving vibes to my very best friend...

Dreams

I never really thought about dreams and their meanings. People have told me that dreams have meanings. I don't know what to believe. But I do know that dreams are a way of your subconscious dealing with daily events, thoughts and such.
When I was in California I used to dream of tidal waves. One meaning is that one is in emotional unhappiness and psychological stress that threatens to destroy. Hmmm. That seemed to fit. I even had a dream that I was on an island and a tidal wave was coming. I was with my family, my boys and my SO. I got my boys out as the wave came toward us, but lost my spouse. Hmmm. Maybe he was causing the unhappiness and psychological stress even way back when. He was actually. My subconscious knew it.
Its that or I'd been watching too many disaster movies.
My other repeating nightmare was from a James Bond film. Go figure...You'd think it would be of sharks eating people since Jaws was my favourite movie when I was little.
I don't know about anyone else, but I can actually feel pain in my dreams. Excruciating pain at times. Pain that does not go away when I wake.
I wonder what that is about?
I don't like nightmares. They tend to linger.
I do like my dreams. Especially the ones that I can continue. I can stop them like hitting the pause button. Then continue them later.
If I go to bed exhausted however, I don't remember my dreams or if I had them at all.

Just got to get this off my chest

O.k. So my soon to be ex (STBX) decides to use my youngest as a pawn. A few weeks ago, it was mutually agreed upon that since he is going out 4-5 nights a week to drink that I could have Wednesday and Saturday nights to myself to do as I please. If I want to go out and be with friends, study for my cert, whatever.
Well, Christmas Eve was my night to go out and he goes out instead. Just doesn't come home from work. So I text him and ask him where he's at and thanks for ruining my plans. He comes home later, after midnight, and after a "discussion", tells me that we are through...again. Second time. Both initiated by him. He tells me he is filing for divorce. I am doing it anyway. I thought I would be able to by the end of December, but due to financial circumstances not able to. But now it looks like I will have to get an attorney anyway.
Oh and he also took the Saturday before.
So Saturday comes and I am going to head to Barnes and Noble to study. That way if I need reference books they are right there. I over hear him tell my littlest one, whom he spends no time with anyway, that he is going to bed. Where he has been all day basically. So I ask him if he is going to watch Rhett while I go out. He says no. That it is my fault and I should have thought about it before I called the marriage quits. HELLO!!!! He is the one who called it quits twice. I just told him that I was holding him to it this time to pay for the divorce and file. I told him that I am tired of him changing his mind all the time whether he wants us or not. I told him that since he didn't do any of the things that he told me he planned to do that I did not see him changing anything. I told him that since he called it quits that it was over and done with, no going back. So now its all my fault.
Something I expected him to rationalize anyway. That's the way he operates. Its always someone else's fault even though he pushes them to it.
So I ask him again. If I go out that he will not watch Rhett. I say that he is his father and he needs to have responsibility towards him as well. Again he repeats that it is my fault and I should of thought of that. I told him that he is not making any sense. I ask the boys if they heard what he had stated. They both heard.
He says that he will not watch his own son because something has gone wrong between the two of us. I even told him not to use Rhett as an excuse. I told him that it is wrong to pull Rhett into the middle of this since it is not about him.
What a man right? Can't even call him a man.
I know know what type of person I really married. I thought it was bad with him emotionally abandoning us. But to use a three year old this way? This makes me so flippin angry. I am writing this to work off steam as the physical labour isn't. Too bad my punching bag broke, or I'd be out there working out. I really need to get another one.
And he thinks acting this way is going to make me come back. Words cannot express the anger I feel.
I know I need to concentrate on getting out of here. But this is my house, this is the boy's home. I don't want them to feel like I do about not having anything permanent. I know once I get my credit back...which he ruined...I will be able to get another house. But still.