So what do you do?

What do you do when you learn that your world has been torn apart? I think about the baby I lost. I know I have 3 perfectly wonderful children as I have been told and not to dwell on the one that I lost. But it still hurts. It still bothers me. I still think about her...I know it was a girl. Her name was to be Kaguya Tsuki. Kaguya is from the story Kaguya Hime. It is one of my favourites. Tsuki means moon. I didn't think I wanted a girl. I was always afraid she would be one of those girls that wouldn't want to get dirty, didn't like bugs, would want to wear dresses everywhere, etc. I don't think I would know what to do. But I would have loved her anyway.

I thought I would be able to try again. I'm 38, by the time I would be able to find someone to share my life with and try to have another child, I think I will be to old.



I think about my mother, a lot. I think of all the things that I should have said. The things I should have done. But I know that I cannot go back and change things. So I try not to dwell on it. Its hard though, when I have to go through some of her things, those feelings creep back in.
I have this wonderful friend. I don't know what I would do without that friendship. I think I would be lost beyond belief.

I don't believe in fate or destiny. I don't believe that God sees everything and this is what he planned.
So what do I do?
I can get depressed, which I have. Not a fun place to be. I know it will be an uphill battle to beat that all the time.
or...
I can try to see my life as I want it in the future. I know what I want. I don't know if I will get what I want, but right now it is the hope that I have.
I have my health to think about. I get depressed and if I let the stress get to me, I don't do so well. I still have to be there for my boys. They were affected by my mother dying and Sean breaking up the marriage. They don't know about the sister they lost. I'm not sure I will tell them, but I think they will find out at some point. I will cross that bridge when I get to it.